A most glorious return
by Th 1998
Summary: Yes, this is crack. Yes, I am sorry for writing this. Yes, I did watch too much Text-to-Speech Device.
1. A most glorious return

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or TTs for that matter

So, is this story going to be remotely serious, fuck no. It's just a bunch of crack humor that is hopefully able to amuse at least a few people. Honestly, like the summary already says, I even feel kinda bad for writing this but I just love the whole joke too much to let it completely go.

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(Hogwarts, fourth-year dormitory, shortly before the train arrives)

The fourth-year had not gone well for Harry. Not only had the School turned against him, once again but also Voldemort had returned. And not only that, he had also killed Cedric Diggory, his friend. He was such a... such a... he heard people say he was nice... probably. He spoke to him like 4 times in his life, how the hell was he supposed to know? But dammit if he wasn't sad about his friend's death. He wished he could make all his problems just disappear, and most ironically they did, just not in the way Harry would have hoped. Without any sign that could lead to where he had gone, Harry Potter had disappeared.

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(Hogwarts, Great hall, right after Umbridge's speech at the start of the year)

Things had not been well for those in the wizarding world with enough intellect to count together 1+1, so a very little portion. Not only had the Ministerium suppressed all mentions of Voldemorts return with way too much eagerness for it to seem reasonable but Harry Potter, had disappeared under mysterious circumstances. As such it was no surprise that there were a fair amount of students, foremost Harry's friends, the like 3 he had, who did not take Umbridge's speech very well.

''Stupid toad, who does she think she is?''

As always, Ron was more than happy to make his misgivings clear.

''I don't like her either, but there is not much we can do, not with Dumbledores names in ruins and Harry disappeared.''

But Hermione's words did not help much to calm down Ron.

''I know that dammit, can't he just suddenly appear again and fix everything?''

But Hermione just shook her head sadly.

''I wish for that as well but really Ron, we have no clue where he is, and even if he were to return, do you really think he could simply fix all this. Not that this question is important seeing how he is still-''

But before she could finish her sentence, a blinding flash field the big hall and with it, a man.

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While there still remained traces of the man who was once Harry potter he definitely was a different person now. He stood as tall as any half-giant in his awe-inspiring armor. It stretched from his feet all the way up to his shoulders, only leaving his face exposed. The entire was entirely painted in blue and gold and on its shoulders it bore a... was that a fucking toilet seat? The face of Harry potter looked like it was chiseled by an artist and his visage was a regal gaze (and totally not a condescending gaze meant to show the plebeians his inherent superiority).

Looking around the great hall he called out his question with a booming voice.

''Where am I?''

It was Hermione that first was able to find her voice again.

''Harry, is that you?''

The armored giant turned his gaze into her direction, studying her for a bit before his face broke out into a huge smile.

''By the emperor's grace, I am back in the period of my birth. Surely another challenge by our most glorious Emperor to slay the enemies of mankind plaguing this place. But I must say, after outdancing those Harlequins this challenge seems almost laughable.''

And with those words he turned towards Umbridge, raising his right hand that was holding a sword... that was also a chainsaw, in a heroic manner.

''Truly a most foul example of the Catachanus Bufo Moribundus. But do not worry children. FOR I, HARRY JAMES POTTER, MEMBER OF THE GLORIOUS SECOND CHAPTER OF THE MOST GLORIOUS ULTRAMARINES HAVE ARRIVED!''

Apparently he had expected a different reaction because upon noticing their stunned silence he once again started.

''I AM TALKING ABOUT THE SECOND CHAPTER OF THE MOST GLORIOUS CHAPTER OF SPACE MARINES, LEAD BY NO OTHER THEN THE MOST GLORIOUS CATO SIC-''

Before he could finish his words another blinding flash filled the room and with it another man. He wore almost the same armor as Harry just that he had a helmet on. A very stupidly designed helmet at that but we digress.

''IT IS I, CATO SICARIUS. I, CATO SICARIUS, CAME AS SOON AS I, CATO SICARIUS, HEARD MY NAME, CATO SICARIUS, SPOKEN BY THIS SUBORDINATE OF I, CATO SICARIUS.''

Upon seeing the great smurfs, I am sorry, the esteemed captains, arrival Harrys face lit up with enthusiasm.

''GREETING MY MOST GLORIOUS CAPTAIN, CATO SICARIUS, TOGETHER I, HARRY JAMES POTTER AND YOU CATO SICARIUS SHALL PURGE THIS CASTLE FROM THE MOST FOUL OF CREATURES!''

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Ron slowly turned his head to Hermione, his stare as disbelieving of what was happening as hers.

''You know, I think I liked it better when he was still gone.''

Hermione could only nod slowly.

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So, do I feel bad for writing such stupid (and overly short) crack? Most definitely but I just had a feeling that I had to write this. Please forgive me. That said I just want to point out that I actually quite like the ultramarines and especially their Primarch. I still kinda stay with my theory that maybe they simply work better than most space marines because their Primarch was actually right in the head. Well, point is that I do actually quite like them and actually have their Primarch as my second favorite (after Sanguinius) Anyways, I hope you had at least a small chuckle at this.

This story has not been beta read(big shocker there).


	2. It's mine now

**Disclaimer: Not owning anything, duh**

**Well, this is not really a second chapter and more of an alternative with a different chapter. What more is there to say, it's simply more crack humor.**

**UPDATE: I DID SOME MUCH NEEDED GRAMMAR FIXES.**

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Ron Weasly honestly had no idea how he was supposed to react to the current situation. When Harry had returned to them after a two-year absence everything seemed no so bleak anymore. The Harry that had come back was nothing like the one that had left them. There was no way to describe him then superhuman, superior to them all in every aspect. This of course while confusing did a lot to raise people's hope in their savior.

And at first glance, everything looked fine, after some thinking he had agreed to help them. But quickly the incidents started. Wich brought him back to the current situation.

''Give me back my snake Potter, now.''

''No, it's mine now.''

Standing upon Hogwart's great bridge was He who must not be named, desperately trying to get back his snake from Harry, clad in that red Armour of his, who... well, refused. This did of course only anger the Dark Lord further.

''Your death shall be especially painful Potter, Lucius get him.''

As soon as he had given his order... nothing happened. Confused the Dark Lord turned to see why his loyal Death eater had refused his order only to find the spot empty. Ron was confused about the Death eater whereabouts as well. He quickly found him though, slung unconscious over Harry's shoulder. Soon He Who Must Not Be Named noticed that fact as well, shockingly he was not amused.

''LET GO OF MY DEATH EATER!''

But Harry just looked back with a confused expression.

''Yours? I am afraid you are mistaken, he is mine. I found him you see.''

The Dark Lord did not see.

''YOU DAMN MAGGOT. AVADA KE- WHERE IS MY WAND?''

By now, Ron was sure of the answer and immediately turned is look to Harry and indeed, he could see a tiny part of the Dark Lords Wand peeking out of one of Harry's giant hands.

''STOP TALKING MY STUFF, YOU DAMN THIEF.''

Hearing those words Harrys face turned outraged.

**''HOW DARE YOU PROCLAIM ME A THIEF. I AM A PROUD BLOOD RAVEN AND BY MY PRIMARCHS NAME-''**

At this point, he interrupted his loud speech for a low rumble which sounded a suspicious lot like ''Whoever the fuck that might be.'', before continuing.

**''- I SHALL NOT TAKE THIS INSULT. I SHALL LEAVE THIS PLACE AND RETURN TO MY BROTHERS.''**

No sooner then he had said that, did he stride past the astonished Dark Lord who was to shocked by his nemesis behavior to even react. For almost half a minute no one did anything before Voldemort suddenly collapsed and a giant hand threw him over the owner's shoulder.

''Mine. Whop whop whop whop.''

It was almost comically to see that giant armored from run away mischievously. Dumbledore managed to find his bearings again the soonest and reacted in his usual sensible way.

''200 Points for Gryfindor.''

Of course, this was rather pointless seeing how the school year was unlikely to continue. The other reason was that somewhere between Harry leaving outraged and him coming back to... acquire the Dark Lord, the giant Hourglass showing the House points had disappeared.

After almost a full minute of utter shock Ron finally was able to form coherent thoughts again and addressed Hermione who had been standing beside him for the whole... could it even be called a fight?

''So does that mean we have won? Hermione?''

Upon not hearing the girl he not so secretly liked answer he turned to her only to find, nothing.

''OH COME ON.''

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**Well, I hope that could amuse at least a few of you. Not sure if I will write more version but maybe I will do a few more with things like Inquisitor Harry, Vulkan Harry or others.**


	3. Masterplan

**Well, another idea has come to me. Now, let me just make one thing clear, I know that the Alpha legion is very much capable of making actually well thought out plans but well, that is not as fun as making fun of their ''Haha, it works cause we are the Alpha legion, no explanation or reason required'' plans. **

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Voldemort grinned as he took a look across the grounds outside of Hogwarts. Everywhere he looked he could see the students being driven back by his loyal servants, victory was soon to be his. And indeed it was, not long after he and his faithful death eaters had pushed the defenders back towards the entrance of the great hall where they had chosen to commit to a last stand, Voldemort almost pitied them, almost.

With a casual flick of his wand, the door exploded and they stormed into the great hall, what was left of the defenders was a mess. He saw that the friends of the annoying Potter boy were still alive. This was good, at least he could kill them since the young boy had eluded his grasp by running like the coward he was. With a smirk, he turned his head to one of his most loyal followers.

''Do be a dear and get them for me Proditor will you?''

Sure, his name was very strange and he was so massive that Voldemort was sure he was a half-giant but the man was competent and definitely loyal so he choose to overlook this. But despite his orders, the man did not move. Just as he was about to sternly inquire as to why his servant had chosen to not obey him he heard a silent chuckle, slowly growing louder until it reached full-blown out laughter.

Before he could ask what the hell he was thought he was doing Proditor threw back his hood he was always wearing that covered his whole face, yet another of his servants' unique non-suspicious quirks. With a burst of triumphant laughter, the newly revealed man bellowed.

''FOOL, YOU THOUGHT I WAS YOUR LOYAL FOLLOWER BUT IT WAS I, ALPHARIUS ALL ALONG!''

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''Who?''

Voldemort completely and utter lack of knowledge regarding the man's identity did nothing to hamper is mood.

''YOU PLAYED RIGHT INTO MY HANDS FOOLISH MORTAL!''

Seeing how he couldn't hope to argue with this obviously insane man, who shockingly turned out to not be loyal after all and to confused by the whole situation to think of just trying to kill him (for all the good it would have done) Voldemort decided to just go along with the Alphariuses madness.

''How so?''

Alpharius crossed his arms before his chest and formed the smuggest smile Voldemort had ever seen, and he had been a fucking Slytherin for merlin's sake.

''You see, while you so foolishly focused our efforts on this pitiful resistance, I did steal all of your soul vessels.''

''YOU DID WHAT?''

Obviously reveling in Voldemort shock and anger the giant revealed the next step of his master plan.

''AND SWITCHED ALL OF THEIR POSITIONS WITH EACH OTHER!''

''HOW DARE... wait, so they are still there just that each of them is now at the location of another?''

Somehow Alphariuses smirk grew even smugger.

''Indeed they are foolish mortal''

Voldemort just blinked, multiple times, it took almost a whole minute before he managed to form a coherent sentence again.

''... But why?''

Alpharius just looked at him as if he was a particularly stupid dog.

''Your mortal mind could never hope to understand the genius of the Alpha Legion.''

Slowly Voldemort remembered that he was in fact a mass-murdering dark Lord and was just about to remind everyone of that fact when the man suddenly pointed behind Voldemort in shock.

''LOOK AT THAT, A NEW NOSE!''

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Once again Voldemort's brain simply short-circuited and he could only stare in shock as Alpharius ran away out of the castle onto the castle grounds yelling.

''FOOL, IT WAS ACTUALLY ME OMEGON.''

It took minutes until the first person, managed to get their bearing again, it was that annoying weasel.

''So, am I the only one that thinks he looked a bit like Harry.''

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**Ah yes, once again you behold the beauty of the lowest level of comedy one can reach. I am honestly not sure whatsoever if this chapter is actually funny and if it isn't please do tell me, I will then try to make the comedy a bit less painfully bad.**


	4. Oh my!

**Well, here is another chapter. Mind you, I planned to write this sooner but my pc died and well, I only get my new one Monday, so I now write on an old shitty laptop.**

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Voldemort felt like laughing, Victory was finally his. Hogwarts last defenders had finally been broken and only a few scattered remains had well, remained. Confidentially he strode across the schools ground basking in the shining rays of sun shining down in front of him... at night. After considering the situation for a few seconds Voldemort made the only reasonable decision in this situation.

''Greyback, check out what the hell that is'' Send in expendable minions.

The arrogant werewolf strode towards the light with no fear and stepped into it and... continued standing there with nothing happening. Finally, he decided that there was probably nothing going to happen.

''There doesn't seem to be anything to this my Lord. I mean, aside from those rays just randomly being here. They just don't seem to be doing any-''

**''OH MY!'' **

(insert Awaken my Quivering Abs! here)

And all of a sudden a very muscular, naked, and oiled arm slung itself around Greybacks throat from behind pinning him to an equally naked and oiled body while another hand was roaming across his body.

Voldemort had honestly no clue how to react and neither did any of his other Servants, as a result, they just stood there for a while having no clue how to react. The silence was finally broken when Voldemort couldn't bear to hear the aroused moaning of the naked man anymore, or the pathetic whimpers of Greyback for that matter. As such he decided to address the being with all the dignity he could muster in this situation ''WHAT BY SLYTHERINS BALLS ARE YOU FUCKING SUPPOSED TO BE?'', which was to say no very much.

It seemed to have served its purpose though, seeing how the naked man let go of Greyback and turned his attention to Voldemort who now realized two things, that he did not actually want this... mans attention and that he was thankfully at least wearing something to cover his crotch, as little as it was. Silence reigned for a few more seconds during which the man simply stared at Voldemort and he stared back at his own reflection on the man's skin, how much fucking body oil could one apply to a single person?

To Voldemort's ever-growing horror it was the man that broke the silence with a chuckle that someone sounded condescending and aroused at the same time and gave him a strong desire to clench his butt together as hard as possible.

''**Is that you little Tommy boy?''**

This left Voldemort with a very hard decision. On one hand, he really wanted to know how this man knew of his past but on the other hand he really, really didn't want to know what connection this man had to him. Not so thankfully the man took said decision away from Voldemort when he began walking over to him. Voldemort desperately hoped that one of his servants would stop him but to no avail. After the first one tried to send a killing curse at the man only for him to easily sidestep and at the same time kick a rock so hard that it shot through the Death eaters mask and head the others decided to keep a respectful distance to not distract their Lord in his concentration, at least that is what they would be saying should they be cruciod later on, it was torture Tuesday after all and Voldemort never missed torture Tuesday.

Way quicker then the Dark lord wished the man had made his way over to him and bend down to look Voldemort directly in the face.

**''It is so good to see you again little Tommy boy. Though you are as unsightly as ever.''**

Voldemort could feel a rough hand grabbing his ass. He would have defended itself but he quite frankly had lost the ability to form coherent thoughts minutes ago. The Dark Lords lack of response caused the figure to let out a snicker which he somehow managed to make sound aroused.

''**But don't worry my brothers and I will take good care of you. Why, we will even play a game with you, it will be most... satisfying.''** The last word of the sentence being as much a word as a moan.

The most feared Dark Lord in British history reacted in the only way he possibly could react to a threat like this. He let out a pathetic whimper while protectively putting his hand over his ass that was thankfully not in the grasp of the giant creeps hand anymore.

**''Oh, that won't help you.''**

And before Voldemort had any chance to curl up into fetus position and start crying both he and the man were gone in a flash of light.

Silence reigned as the Death Eaters observed the spot where their master had just stood. Finally, Lucius stepped up and addressed his fellow death eaters.

''All for me being the new boss, wich won't torture you all for fun and actually is capable of the bureaucracy involved in running a country say aye.''

''Aye.''

''Aye.''

''Aye.''

''Do we get paid vacation, the right to form a workers union and weekends off?''

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Once again silence reigned until... ''What the hell is a workers union?''

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Well, this is another chapter down and if I am honest, one I am not particularly proud off. Like, the idea for using one of the oiled up creeper men is fun but actually coming up with the jokes is surprisingly hard. Anyway, I do hope that it was at least still vaguely amusing and will do my best to come up with something better for the next chapter, maybe a Salamander or Inquisitor.


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